A couple of posts ago, I mentioned my new obsession with Korean pop music, so that resulted in the picture above (my little tribute to Hansol from the group Topp Dogg). I’m still working on another picture I started of Monsta X, but it might take a while (I had this crazy idea to draw a huge picture of all Monsta X members together, and there are seven of them so I’m trying to pay attention to individual details).
This is part of my plan to improve in my art, of course. I’m always trying to do portraits because I feel that is my weakest creative area. However, it is getting easier as I learn how to look at people through an artistic lense. For the picture of Hansol, I decided to soften the lines of facial features, blend skin tone shades better, and use the harsher lines to accentuate the clothes instead. Basically, skin is shaded and fabric is outlined. Everything is colored pencil and ink. Though I can still improve, I’m pretty satisfied with this one. It does at least look like the person I was trying to draw (and because I adore Topp Dogg and Hansol, I probably had that initial admiration to motivate me even more). It’s probably best to just draw what you like if you want to practice, because there’s some attachment to the artwork in that way.
Speaking of attachments to things I adore, I’ve also started a new anime picture of L from Death Note. I’m thinking of turning this into another little tutorial though. The last tutorial was based on Juuzou Suzuya (Tokyo Ghoul), but it was my personal version of a more realistic Suzuya instead of his usual anime/manga self. This next one would be more basic, original manga/comic style (because for a fictional character, L Lawliet is still the most attractive in his original form, and I still have so much fun drawing him that way). I chose to do a picture from the manga “L: One Day”, which is basically a Death Note prequel that tells a little about L’s personal background (like how he enjoyed theme parks, swing sets, and preferred other people to help him change his clothes because he was too busy being a genius to bother taking off his own shirt). Here’s a little preview of how it looks at the beginning of the sketch:
It is a rough sketch right now, but in the tutorial I will add color, outlines, a background, and all that extra stuff that brings it to life. In the original source, the background is just sand and playground equipment, so I might add my own ideas there. At this point, I can tell you that I started with the eyes. I always start with the eyes, and work outward, because it helps me keep things proportionate. Also, making the outline first is good too. All those little lines might seem overwhelming, but just ignore them at first if you are drawing. They are details (and most of them are randomly added. There’s no set system for adding them, so I guess sometimes). Oh yes, and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. There are several here in this first sketch. It is done in pencil, and pencils have erasers!
I’ll get to work on this one and post the rest as soon as I can (I have orientation for a new job tomorrow, but perhaps I can finish this by next week sometime). I doubt I’ll be able to ignore drawing L for too long, since I feel an obligation to him as the fictional/imaginary love of my life (Sorry Juuzou Suzuya, Jack Skellington, Rick Grimes, and other fictional people I love…L Lawliet wins this one).
I haven’t updated this blog in about a month (maybe longer), so here’s a little something to let you know I’m still alive. I was inspired by this:
Lately, I’ve been in a very morbid mood. Not so much depressed, really, just…morbid is the only word I can think of to describe it. However, I don’t have much time to dwell on it, because I have kept myself too busy to even think about anything that isn’t scheduled on my calendar. I have a new job (nothing art-related or glamorous, just a nice little job to keep me from being homeless and able to buy art supplies). I am getting closer and closer to weight loss surgery (I will have my first meeting with the surgeon soon, which I will explain further in future posts). I also continue to attend diabetes support groups, weight loss support groups, medical appointments in preparation for bariatric surgery, and then there’s the exercise that takes up about 3 hours of my day now (that’s every single day of the week that I am either walking outside for 2-3 hours or doing Zumba dance fitness for the same amount of time).
It has been difficult, to say the least. I certainly don’t paint as much as I’d like to these days, but I do my best to stay creative at any chance. I’ve gone back to my old techniques I had in high school actually. When I couldn’t draw or paint, I simply wrote the images down. What I mean is that I would get a visual of something I’d like to create, and I’d just put it down in poetry form until I could get a chance to create it visually. Sometimes it works and sometimes not, but it’s a way for me not to completely lose my mind from lack of art time.
The quote above is an example of what I mean. If you were to translate a poetic line into something visual, or vice versa, this is a good example of what you might do. Pick out the images, dissect them and find the ones that really stand out to you. Ice. Holiest of waters.Love. Hidden fire. Certain words in a certain order can give you a feeling sometimes. You might identify with them, or loathe them, or even feel like you wrote them yourself at some point. But why?
For me, I tend to associate poetry with images innately. Reading the quote above, the painting is what came to mind. The same thing happens when I hear a certain song, or even a specific sound. I can’t possibly be the only person who hears a train whistle without seeing the train itself and immediately pictures exactly what the train might look like, how fast it is moving, and what the setting around it looks like (right? That’s totally not a weird artist thing to do, right?) 🙂
Anyway, I should end this post and go to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately, and that certainly isn’t good with all the other stuff I have to do. I’m going to continue posting randomly, but I’ll eventually work out a schedule for this blog too (I like it too much to just stop). The painting above is acrylic, texture paste, glow acrylics, and I don’t even remember what else now. Seriously, I just went by instinct, gut-feelings on this one. I needed to paint. And I needed it to be strange, and morbid, and a little bit vulnerable. So there you have it. There’s my heart bleeding through canvas, because it simply felt good to create it. To let wounds breathe.
Sometimes I forget how good it feels just to let art happen.
Doctor, as she writes notes during our meeting: “You should paint something that expresses how you feel about the new year, or maybe how you felt about 2016 in general. Try to create something celebratory, something exciting, if you can.”
Me, in my own head: If I can? IF I CAN?! I’ll show you exciting and celebratory, but it’s going to be done my way. *paints a 3D bleeding heart surrounded by fireworks*
Doctor, clearly annoyed but also intrigued: “This wasn’t at all what I was expecting…”
Me, with a straight face: “Oh, it wasn’t? It makes perfect sense in my mind, though” *does victory dance internally and tries not to noticeably smile*
🙂 I have to make doctor’s appointments fun these days. The picture above is acrylic. I used a hot glue gun and texture paste to make the heart 3D, and then painted over it with pearlescent acrylic paint.
So, instead of doing my 2016 recap, or my resolutions for the coming year, I decided to keep the focus on things I love. More specifically, things I’ve obsessed over. As you may or may not be aware of, I have ridiculous obsessions with ridiculous things. Mostly fictional characters. These obsessions soothe me. They allow an escape, and yet they somehow make reality so much more beautiful in my case. This post will be somewhat similar to the confessions posts I sometimes do, since some of these might be a little embarrassing, but let’s continue anyway (because, remember, I have no shame)…
Things/People/Ideas/Random Stuff I Became Obsessed with in 2016:
This one is pretty obvious from this blog alone. However, you may not know that I wasn’t always obsessed. I loved anime as a kid, but I have always just picked out my favorites and ignored everything else. I wasn’t really curious about what else existed beyond Sailor Moon or My Neighbor Totoro. In 2016, I discovered that anime was more than Japanese animation for children, and fell absolutely in love with Death Note, Tokyo Ghoul, Black Butler, and various other shows. I thought the artwork was gorgeous, and the stories were interesting. And, perhaps the most important thing that sealed my obsession with anime, I became fascinated with certain specific characters like Juuzou Suzuya and L Lawliet. I also finally figured out what manga is, and that became its own category of obsession as well. Random fact: I have never liked Pokemon for some reason. Even as a kid, I just didn’t see why everyone loved it so much. Though I did think Pikachu was a cute lightning cat-thing.
If you’re curious, here’s a short list of some anime I enjoyed watching this past year:
Death Note (of course)
Tokyo Ghoul (Obviously)
Black Butler (This one had to grow on me a little, but I started to really love it)
Erased (Incredibly engaging story)
Princess Jellyfish (I admit I only watched this one because it had the same voice actor that played Juuzou in Tokyo Ghoul, but it was hilarious and surprisingly addictive)
Gantz, Attack On Titan, Death Parade, Sword Art Online, and a gorgeous anime movie titled “Your Name” were also some that I enjoyed. Your Name was not only visually beautiful, it was an emotional roller-coaster of a story and I immediately knew it would be a favorite.
2. Youtubers Dan Howell and Phil Lester
I have liked watching random YouTube videos for a long time, actually. It’s a nice way to waste time, but also to learn about some things very quickly (like when I try to cook something and I need to see it done by someone else first). My love for British comedy goes back to my childhood. It’s an obsession that spans years. This is probably why I stumbled upon British youtubers Dan and Phil, who I find hilariously awkward and nerdy. Something about Dan, in particular, reminds me of myself (though I do hope I’m not that much of an awkward trainwreck). I think the appeal is the blatant honesty. These two guys aren’t afraid to share embarrassing moments, or to be silly or uncool. It also makes me feel better to see someone who is 28 years old (like myself) not acting their age (like myself also). If you want to see them yourself, the youtube names are danisnotonfire and amazingphil. They have danandphilgames also. Watching their videos is a quick way to have your day brightened. And, if you are an awkward human like me, you might even feel better about yourself after watching.
Never in my life have I loved pop music so much. I’m a Nine Inch Nails kind of girl (I even have the lyrics to NIN’s Something I Can Never Have tattooed on my back). My music obsessions varied from My Chemical Romance, to Modest Mouse, to Jack White, to Metallica. At some point, I saw a music video of Monsta X performing their song “Hero” on a rooftop, and my musical tastes shifted. I don’t know why. I only know that I was hooked. At the time, I didn’t understand what they were saying. Monsta X is a South Korean group of talented young men, but I couldn’t speak Korean. I heard the music, I heard the voices, and I saw the dance moves. That was enough to move me. Since then, I’ve managed to learn some basic Korean, and I’ve come to appreciate this genre even more. I use the songs when I exercise, which really helps motivate me. Here is the short list of my favorite K-Pop people/groups:
Monsta X – My introduction to K-Pop. They are charming, funny, and talented. Their songs are catchy and I often find myself humming the songs at random. My favorite songs by them are Amen, Be Quiet, Hero, Stuck, and Rush. If you only see one video, I’d probably tell you to watch the video for Stuck, because they all look amazing and the concept is so simple but effective.
ToppDogg – First of all, this group is really hilarious. Many of their videos on youtube just showcase their personalities, which is perfectly fine because they are entertaining and adorable. Their music doesn’t seem as pop heavy as other K-Pop songs I’ve heard, and their voices seem more distinctive to me. I’ve figured out that I can pick out a ToppDogg song even if I’ve never heard the song before, because I can recognize the voices more easily. Also, their title song (it is called Top Dog) has the most incredible music I didn’t know I needed in my life. It uses Mozart’s Symphony No. 25 mixed with dubstep-type music. I still haven’t gotten tired of it (and I found the instrumental on youtube, so I can listen to just that or the original version if I choose). Favorite TD songs include Flower, The Beat, Arario, and any covers they have ever done. If you’re going to watch a music video, a recent one is called Rainy Day. It’s a pretty song about comparing an ex-lover to a rainy day. Keep that in mind when they start doing the pelvic thrusts/body rolls (it doesn’t make any sense to me, but they at least do a good job of it).
BTS – There is so much talent in this group, I cannot even put it into words. Watch any K-Pop group and then watch BTS, because if you see this group first then all other groups will probably disappoint you. They might just be the best dancers, the best rappers, the best singers, the funniest, the most charming, and their songs might be the most amazing. Of course, we all have our preferences, but this seems to be the general idea. They are impressive. I suggest going to youtube and searching for BTS Intro Performance Trailer if you want to see what they can do in the dancing category. You might just be surprised that you’re watching a K-Pop group, actually. As for their songs, there are few that I dislike and naming the ones I love would take more time than I have right now. I’ll limit myself to saying Fire, Boy Meets Evil, Bulletproof Pt. 2, and rapper Suga’s song The Last (under his mixtape alias Agust D). If you think K-Pop is all parties and sweetness, The Last will change your mind (it deals with social phobia, seeing psychiatrists, and feeling suicidal).
BIGBANG/ G Dragon – This group has been around for ten years and G Dragon is kind of like the prince of K-Pop (maybe the king, I’m not sure). As far as I can tell, they are less interested in dancing and more interested in their lyrics and making crazy artistic music videos. Not that they can’t dance. They can. However, there is a certain vibe to them that feels almost rebellious. They are both fun and deadly serious, and that makes their music very interesting and even somewhat bipolar (Hey, I can say that because I have bipolar disorder, right? haha). Also, I’m not usually someone who usually pays much attention to looks, but I do think G Dragon is one of the most gorgeous human beings I’ve ever seen (though much of that might have to do with his insane confidence on stage combined with a shy/innocent demeanor off stage, a combination I always seem to appreciate). I’ve seen him with so many different hair colors and styles, and even dressed as a woman multiple times…he is always attractive. Always. Anyway, some songs I love are Bae Bae, Bang Bang Bang, Crooked, Crayon, Good Boy, and most of all Fxxk It (that’s a recent one).
4. Various Actors from The Walking Dead
I’ve been obsessed with zombies and The Walking Dead for a long time, but it was this past year that I became really focused on individual actors from the show. I won’t spend too much time on this one, but I spent at least two months watching movies with Walking Dead actors just because they are/were Walking Dead actors. It wasn’t a rational decision, or a productive one, but I did get to see some good movies from this obsession at least. Dallas Roberts in Shadow People was really good (he played Milton in season 3 of TWD). And I forgot that Andy Lincoln (Rick Grimes in TWD) was in Love Actually, so that was fun to re-watch (Love Actually is one of my all-time favorite movies ever. It has several of my favorite actors in it, but I initially watched it for Rowan Atkinson. As a kid, my Mr. Bean obsession was fierce).
Though this started in July and didn’t become serious until September, I quickly became obsessed. Since then, my total weight loss equals 40 pounds. That’s just the beginning for me, but it is nice to see I’m not completely failing at it. Honestly though, I still hate it very much. My anger is a lovely motivation though. I just turn that anger into energy, I guess. If you are at all interested in what I’m doing for exercise, I’ll tell you exactly: On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I walk outside for 90-120 minutes (until my feet hurt, which usually happens in that time frame). I have a large yard, so I just walk around there and listen to my mp3 player (which is full of K-Pop songs, as we have discussed). On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I do 120 minutes of dance fitness. I look up the videos on YouTube for this, and there are lots of K-Pop dance videos to choose from so I usually try those. However, I also like using the ones with Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber songs. I don’t even like their music in other areas of my life, but for exercise I enjoy it (probably because anger fuels me and some voices incite just enough anger inside me to motivate me). Maybe I just need to prove to myself I can dance better than they can or something. At least it makes me want to keep going.
Always an obsession, of course. This past year, I realized my love for art was expanding. I wanted to try new things. I wanted to venture into unknown territories. I did that by attempting to draw anime characters. I also tried drawing more realistically. I also tried to learn more about and from other artists. Van Gogh, Warhol, Wyeth being some of my favorites. This obsession was the best thing that ever happened to me. Without it, I don’t feel complete. Without it, I don’t think I’d be alive right now.
And that’s all for this post. What we’ve learned is that I like to waste precious time on obsessions that don’t always last. But I think they are there for a reason. Even if I stop listening to K-Pop and lose all interest, I will still have something good from it. I’ve learned a new language. I’ve learned about a culture that I didn’t know anything about previously. I found a type of music that inspired me to actually exercise and keep exercising. My health has improved drastically, because of this seemingly random obsession with Korean music. It doesn’t seem so silly when I think about how much good it has done. Watching funny youtube videos and movies with Walking Dead actors however, I’m not sure has done anything but make me temporarily happier. But I suppose that isn’t so bad either. I hope you are all doing well and I wish you the best in the coming year!
I know it isn’t easy,
But some part of me wonders if it shows bravery or cowardice,
Weakness or strength.
In the moment, it always felt like dragging a razorblade was as simple as swallowing glass,
With my entire body trembling and my eyes blinded from salty swelling tides of tears,
And yet, it felt like courage,
The way I could defy my own instincts and do what others could not,
Hurting myself before anyone else had the chance,
Like it was my decision,
As though I could control any pain that tried to penetrate,
Skin as tough as damp paper.
I know it isn’t easy
To go through the kinds of nightmares that never leave your head,
Burrowing wounds into the heart like slow motion bullet holes,
Scars that stay fresh no matter who tries to suture them,
Or what you use to bandage the laceration.
Eventually it all rots away.
You either watch it fall heavy from your soul,
Or you learn to carry it with you as the infection takes hold,
Spreading a poison that shows no symptoms until you least expect it,
Shooting through your veins and wrapping around the organs,
A death grip that reminds me of the roots growing into old gravesites,
Jutting from underneath caskets and capturing headstones
Like cold fingers coming up from the soil.
I know it isn’t easy.
The first time I got asked if I was suicidal was similar to my first kiss,
Something I didn’t know I needed,
Something that made me equal amounts terrified and relieved
That it finally happened.
I remember standing underneath fluorescent lights,
Stripped of my clothes and my cares in a room of cold tile,
While the professionals studied their checklists,
Claiming to know me well enough to diagnose all my problems,
Even though they never even made eye contact for longer than a few seconds.
I was a wild animal then,
A creature in a cage, dangerous and complicated,
Out of control, but not any different from the other animals around me,
The statistics who slept nearby.
We shared glances in hospital hallways like we were in a Tarantino film,
The violence in the air was constant,
Even if it was only being stirred up on the inside of our minds.
I know it isn’t easy,
Because I didn’t just read about it,
Because I didn’t just think about ending my life.
It was a weakness in me that took my depression and swirled it into suicidal,
But it was a strength that forced down the pills and brought forth my own blood,
Misplaced bravery, of course,
But at least it was there.
A wilderness that covers the canopy unchecked
Can devour the life that lives beneath it,
Blocking the light and killing unintentionally.
Sometimes clearing the air keeps us alive,
Controlling the growth instead of stopping it completely,
Because some of us still need to be wild in order to breathe.
I know it takes a long time,
I know it isn’t easy,
But more importantly, I now know it isn’t permanent.
It has been a while since I added some poetry to this blog, along with a new painting, so this is what I came up with. I’ve been cautiously revisiting my early bipolar experiences (thanks to certain support groups I’ve been attending. Part of the weight loss surgery program is to check on the psychological aspects as well). Doing this causes my memories to come back in random flashes, so that’s what is going on in this particular poem. The painting is pretty random. It was completed before I wrote the poem and is for a family member, but it has a nice darkness to it that doesn’t clash too much with the poetry. Anyway, enjoy the post and I will add more artwork soon.
I thought I’d just check in and give a quick update since I’ve not done so in quite a long while! I have been pretty busy, doing all sorts of things, but here’s the quick list of the most important ones:
Doctor’s appointments! I finally got to see a Doctor/nutritionist about the upcoming weight loss surgery. I have to keep a food journal, an exercise journal, and a journal that keeps track of blood sugar and blood pressure also. After doing this for a while, to show my commitment of course, then the date will be set.
My exercise routine keeps me busy these days also. I was doing fine, but it was recommended I increase the time I exercise by five minutes every week (I was already working out a minimum of 45 minutes a day for 5 days a week). I am currently exercising for at least an hour a day, 6 days a week. And I’m not bragging, because it is torture. I hate it. But I’ve decided I hate it less than having diabetes, so that’s good. Oh, and my exercise consists of walking around outside on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, then doing Zumba-like dance fitness exercises on the other days. The dance exercises are tougher, but they seem to pass the time faster, and adds some variety so I don’t get too bored.
I have been painting, and drawing, but I seem to be taking longer to complete artwork than usual. I made myself choose between painting time and exercise time. I mostly paint on Sunday, when I have a day off from the fitness stuff (sort of, it never really ends and I don’t really want it to since I should be getting used to it). Eventually, I’ll figure out the scheduling better. Also, I’ll do that for this blog as well.
My future endeavors include some actual social interaction (that’s new for me). I have to attend both a diabetes management support group beginning December 7th, and a healthy eating/weight loss support group that doesn’t begin until January (it is the same group I’ll have to attend after the surgery also).
I’m strangely excited, despite my introverted nature (I have a feeling I’m not actually as introverted as I thought I was. Maybe I’m just stuck in an antisocial habit).
So, I began exercising in July. And now that I’ve lost some weight, I’m ready to share the facts (also, now that I’ve convinced myself that I can actually do this). First of all, at my heaviest weight, I was 310 pounds. I now weigh 263. That’s pretty good for just a few months. The difference isn’t obvious to me yet, but the pictures are the proof:
The second picture is from a couple of days ago, and the first was my 310 pound days. My face seems to slim before my body does, not that it’s a bad thing. I don’t have many full body pictures, but the best before and after I can come up with is this, for now:
Yes, not a huge difference yet, but I’m getting there. That’s the point. At least my face seems to look healthier, like maybe I’m not about to pass out any second. Though, I’m now realizing the blonde hair color didn’t help much (I need to stick to my natural red for sure). And I’m not smiling in the newer pictures, which I thought might possibly make my face seem slimmer, so here’s one more recent picture:
I don’t know, but it feels like progress, so I’m happy. I think that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, so don’t take this post the wrong way. I just want to be healthy, and be rid of health problems. Trust me, losing weight isn’t going to magically transform me from an awkward, nerdy, weird bundle of anxiety and strangeness. I won’t suddenly become more charismatic or less artist-focused. But I will feel better. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m tired of certain things. Like not being able to wear the clothes I want to wear. Or being the “fat, funny friend” who never gets complimented like other girls do. It would be nice to feel noticed sometimes (but obviously not too much, I’d feel really uncomfortable I think).
Much of it has to do with my own self-image. I lose weight, I feel better about myself, I’m happier and it shows. Instead of hiding out in my room all day, I actually don’t mind spending time out in the world. The reason for that is because I start to feel like I’m not ashamed anymore. I don’t have anything to hide, because I’m doing everything I can and fighting hard to reach a goal that doesn’t harm anyone and improves my quality of life. When I know I’m not doing my best, my actions show it. My mood shows it. I withdraw from reality. I live in my head. More than usual, I mean. When I’m doing what I know I need to, I switch on like a light bulb and charge forward like the Aries that I am. And I actually feel good about doing so, instead of crashing and feeling regret (as in a manic episode perhaps, but there’s so much more clarity in this kind of energy and it is addicting).
It might take a long time. But I think I’ll be glad for the struggle eventually. If you have a similar struggle, or even one not so similar, know that struggling is another word for fighting. Fighting takes courage, strength, and willpower. Even if it is difficult, even if you fall sometimes, that’s okay. It isn’t about winning, and it isn’t about finishing a race. To me, it is about turning the struggle into something I crave destroying. It’s every hurtful comment. It’s every time I’ve been ignored by a guy or passed over in favor of the “prettier” girl. It’s the pain I felt when my blood sugar spiked. It’s the regret I feel when I can’t wear a decent swimsuit at the beach, or keep up with someone walking too fast, or my clothes don’t fit right. But most of all, it is the reflection that doesn’t match who I am on the inside. It’s a big deal to me, to one day look in the mirror and be able to nod my head and think “yep, that’s me. That’s who I am.” But enough rambling. Let’s throw some art into this post before I end it:
I saw a drawing like this in a google search and recreated it, using colored pencils, ink, and markers. And while I was taking pictures of myself, I ended up doing this on accident:
Amateur photography, I suppose (not going to pursue that one haha). This post has lots of pictures of me…I’m not sure I like it. But I guess I have to get braver about things like this (my doctor informed me that I was required to do before and after pictures through the course of having weight loss surgery). And I still assume no one reads this, so that makes it easier too 🙂
Anyway, I’ll get back to my usual activities now and I’ll try to post again sooner than this last time (and respond to comments with very late replies again).
Hope you’re all doing great as well! Until next time!
The kingdom glitters and shines,
While demons wear angel wings.
They cast out tempting lines,
Hanging by heavenly strings.
Everything sparkles like moonlight
Beneath the infinite darkness above.
Shadows insure the fearful will fight,
But the same forces others to love
When everything within the heart
Is screaming out to feel a little hate,
The only way to hit restart
Is through the kindness we create.
Though the lights that keep on shining
Are just a pretty illusion for our eyes,
There’s always some silver lining
Hiding within the cloud of lies.
The kingdom glitters and shines,
While demons shed angel wings.
They cast out tempting lines,
But truth can sever the strings.
“No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees.” ― Carole Borges
The painting above is acrylic, and I have no idea what compelled me to paint it besides my imagination. I wrote the poem after, and found the quote after. When I was younger, I remember thinking the most magical thing I’d ever seen was a sky full of paper lanterns over a body of water or floating high up above the land. I saw this once at a festival or something, and it stuck with me. The lanterns in the painting are not the same, since they hang from the tree, but that was the only thing I could think of to explain it. Maybe I just needed to create something somewhat pretty (and there’s nothing wrong with that every so often).
Have you ever walked into a room full of people you thought were your friends, only to realize they were saying/doing awful things and you never really knew them at all?
I suppose it is difficult to describe, but this is sort of what America feels like to me at the moment. Don’t worry, I’m not getting all political here. Usually, I don’t really care about politics. Not in the way that I have to push my opinions on people, anyway. I just enjoy being informed so I can make an educated decision when I have to.
However, if you’re wondering, this is what went through my head as I watched my country elect Trump as our President…in gif and picture form because, as poetic as I am, I have reached a point where words fail me.
For those of you unaware, I live in Oklahoma (a state that predominantly voted for Trump apparently). I am a Native American/American Indian. I am bisexual. And I may have mentioned this before, but I really didn’t see a good option in candidates at all. It seemed like choosing the lesser of two evils. But I sort of thought Clinton would win, because Trump seemed like somewhat of a joke. Like he was very entertaining, but America couldn’t possibly think he’d be a good President when it came down to it.
I clearly missed something, thinking that. Or perhaps my faith in humanity was too high. Either way, I was a bit shocked. Still am. But I am hoping to be proven wrong, and maybe Trump will be better than his image, demeanor, personality, words, actions, and overall horrible-ness suggests. I can still hope, right? Because living in my favorite fictional worlds seems pretty comforting right now. And my favorites happen to be The Walking Dead and Tokyo Ghoul, if that tells you anything.
I’m not sure where this post is going really. I just had to vent my shock. And maybe let people who aren’t in America know that not all of us are terrible human beings, or stupid human beings. Not all of us agree with what is happening. And I’m just as confused and disappointed as anyone else in the world might be (and honestly, I think I would have felt this way no matter who had won, but it is the difference between having a nightmare and realizing you were never actually asleep).
I’ve already heard the arguments about why I’m wrong and why Trump will be great. But I don’t argue. I just nod and say “I hope you’re correct.” Seriously though, what was everyone thinking? I wonder how many people were just not thinking, or weren’t being serious. Because if people were being serious, that seems pretty terrifying to me. Just the thought of half of all Americans in agreement with the way that man thinks… Is everyone just too scared to think things through? Or are some people really that awful?
I’m beginning to overthink, and I need to sleep (it is 6 am, and I have not slept yet, so please forgive my rambling and anxiety). Feel free to comment your thoughts or your arguments if you feel like it, but I’m probably not going to mention it again in future posts. Unless it starts to affect me personally somehow, maybe in my daily life or with my anxiety. That’s a possibility, though I don’t really want to think about it yet. Officially, there’s not a new President until January, so let’s just enjoy that time for now. I’ll leave you with a video of Stephen Colbert, because I adore him and I have adored him for years. He (and Jon Stewart) were always there to explain America’s politics to me as I grew up watching “The Daily Show” and I just really needed to hear him talk about it. To make me feel better.
Lastly, a horrible leader doesn’t necessarily have to change those of us who are not horrible. It might make certain things more difficult, but I can be just as open-minded and full of love and acceptance as always. No matter who is running the country. And if anyone tries to tell me I can’t be open-minded anymore, that’s certainly not going to be something I’ll just accept.